Hi, I just found this phone under my seat at a brewers game and seeing as you're entered in as 'fillllatio' I figured I'd ask you if you know the illiterate ass who owns this phone. Thanks :)
I googled what to do, and it said to squeeze the pressure out so people are taking turns sitting on my head. I can't believe I'm allowing this
Did you push me into the oil wrestling or did I elect to do it?
You said you wanted to do it, but I gave you a friendly nudge.
It's sad that your definition of adulthood entails banging your boss after getting hammered at happy hour, and putting the tab on the company credit card.
I don't remember anything past "we have 15 minutes to drink this keg."
Vague recollection of me ripping your shirt off at the bar... I hope I asked first, otherwise that's real rude.
May or may not have just lost a contact hanging out Anthony's sunroof. Drunk. Hint: I can only see out of one eye right now.
My roommate is watching gummy bears "race" from a mega-marshmallow to his lava lamp.
Who has the safety vest from this past weekend Additionally, who has the dancemaster glove?
For the sake of being nice I congratulated her and she replied with something along the lines of that I need to stay away from him and not touch him ever. I really wanted to be like "been there, done that" but my New Years resolution was to not start any cat fight over boys with small dicks before noon
the shoes thing blows my mind idk how the fuck i did that and im also missing 4 of my birth control pills like did i drunkenly decide to overload my body with estrogen
I'm fucking sick of guys. I think I'm going to date myself. No drama. And I know I'll always put out.
I'm not dealing with this wiskey dick shit, 2016 is the year of hard dicks
Just asphyxiate me and toss my corpse in the Ocean. It'll be easier than whatever the next four or eight years will bring.
I think my moral compass just broke
Randomize
