I accidentally told him I've been cheating on him with his brother last night.
How did that happen by accident?
I was drunk and vomited all over him and thought, "maybe he will just stay with me out of pity if I tell him with stomach acid and alcohol all over his crotch." I was wrong.
Someone obviously heard us on their way to class. They stopped at my door and started singing afternoon delight.
Every time my boyfriend threatens to commit suicide I change my relationship status as "widowed".
Well i then put my mattress in my closet and am currently on it. This is a new one.
dude, it should not be this hard to find a bottomless mimosa on a friday morning
dream priorities were more important than voting today. don't tell me you wouldn't keep going back to sleep to find out who would win a fight between oprah and godzilla
He's a forty-something balding gay man with no boundaries or sense of social norms. Of course we should befriend him.
i am one fart away from being 2 for 2 on this whole shitting my pants thing.
I just want to meet whoever runs the hall cameras
hahahaha I don't. Watch one day i'll be walking along and someone will stop me and say "oh you're that one girl who is out. of. control." But then they'd probably give me a high five.
When you were bringing him upstairs I told him to bring you on down to pound town. you're welcome.
On a side note...my DUI lawyer just snapchatted me. This is the exact moment in time when I realized my like IS a joke.
I was a bouncer for about 90 seconds until the real bouncers figured out that I was doing their job
Leave it to me to pull up my boyfriend’s grandfather’s obituary just to find out the name of his sister.
I was in the rappers prayer circle. Then they're blunt circle
Just did the "lost my phone, need #'s" post and I got a text saying "go ahead and save me as Ashley-DD because I know you will anyway. I think I love her.
Randomize
