Mars, I'm going to name my child horatio mars. He will hate me till he gets high. Then he'll understand
I knew the cheap date at Taco Bell would backfire because it makes even the most pre-cautious girls involuntary fart in public
its not that she doesnt like having sex with you, your balls just smell worst then your ass.
She said she didn't want me watching her give me a bj, so she proceeded to make a "blowjob igloo" out of blankets...
My dermatologist just asked me, "what happened here?" referring to the bruising on my nipples. I told her I walked into a door. Thanks for that awkward moment.
Apparently the last thing they remember of me was me stumbing into a bathroom, then falling out 5 minutes later clutching a butter knife repeating "ketamine goes in my face hole"
I was scoping hash out of our weed jar with a spoon and I realized we need to buy actual utensils. This plastic shit is killing me I've broke 3 spoons
i wish i had a super power and that that super power was shooting out mdma from my fingertips or something
The guy who was The Count on Sesame Street died this week too. Therefore, you should take multiple shots, count them, & go "ahh aaahh aaaahhh" after each one. I expect video...
My dog is now used to me drunk singing and sleeps through it. I don't know how I feel about this
I'm still getting random messages from guys about my Halloween outfit. Electrical tape is coming back next year
I'm just trying to win a butt plug dude
Moral of the story: fuckboys never change
I don't care if he's the coolest coworker, if he's living in his mom's basement at 30 you should not buy drugs from him
Dude I got in an Uber this morning and he goes “I drove you last night”\n“You got your dick sucked in the back seat”
Randomize
