Brandon just fucked that chick! I tried to warn him but T9 said she had "puppy roses" instead of "pussy sores"
I am NOT getting arrested in a batman mask
just got a rotting pancake and bacon in the mail from your address....
It was not a dingleberry, it was a dinglemelon
it was just fiscally responsible to stop going to strip clubs where the strippers recognized me
It's never good when you wake up covered with burns
Thanks for gettin' me home, killa. Have no IDEA how I woke up pants-less on the bathroom floor at 4a.m. You're like a big, angry guardian angel.
How did you even find out?
Because you came up to me and said "I just fucked in the bathroom."
Oh.
If I had a mugshot, I would totally use it as my main picture on Tinder, just to keep it interesting.
They have a house rule that you get a composite for every 5 guys you sleep with. Where should I hang my new one?
If you sleep with him again I'll have you spayed
I might run out into oncoming traffic. Id rather break my legs and/or die then continue with today.
I'm eating pizza in the bathtub
Swear on my life the dude next to us just ordered a pizza and I will fight to the death for a slice
I Never thought my late 30s would end up with me getting eaten out on a desk in the managers office of a lululemon, but I guess being a franchise owner has its perks!
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