Getting food. Want anything?
Vagina. Double meat no buns. I have the secret sauce
I know she is the girl of my dreams bc she orgasmed, rolled over and then asked if I knew that Orlando beat Cleveland.
The crowing achievement of my life is still the time I made a 3 course meal out of things I found in the dumpster.
When i woke up this morning she asked me 'when did you first find out that you could see the future.' I gotta stop drinking.
Tiger Woods should have just walked in, gave everyone a high five, and left.
He told me the hand job I gave him this morning was "lovely".
I mean, I'm twenty four years old and I've never paid for my own drink. You can't say that any of your ex girlfriends boobs are THAT great.
We bonded over blowjobs and stories of our childhoods. It was beautiful.
SHE WON'T ROUND UP MY GRADE! I have a 79.8% I ONLY MISSED TWO CLASSES!!! ONE WHEN I GOT DRUGGED AND ONE WHEN MY CAR GOT BROKEN INTO!! I'm interculturally competent. I used to date a Italian/Cherokee Indian. I fucked a Palestinian. How much more pro-peace can you get?
Can I interview you during sex or would that be weird?
There was an unopened condom by my car when I went to pick it up this morning. Someone may have fucked on the hood of my car last night. Don't think it was me but I can't rule it out 100%.
I'll be in SoCal at my bachelorette party, aka embracing a fireman covered in KY and chocolate shavings.
You kidnapped her dog. I don't care that you and the dog are epic bros, that's just not cool. Return him.
Hey, is this going to be a real date, or am I just meeting you at a hotel to have sex in the bathroom? Given our history, I think it's a fair question.
Woke up in a house I don't know, with someone else's pants on, and wolverine hair, to my girlfriend yelling on the phone about the 4 girls I made out with last
Randomize
