i need you to recap everything for me beyond "i think i'm gonna try vodka-pong"
I put so much effort into my vagina today. If i don't get laid tonight I'm gonna be pissed.
Yeah, my mom walked in on us. Instead of yelling, she went and hid in the bathroom til we finished. It was pretty classy.
Is shaving my mustache contingent on you sleeping over tonight?
I find out next week of the Australian was lying about his vasectomy or not. Keep your fingers crossed!
just found a someones bra in what seems to be a mix of pickle juice and vodka in my fridge. Who was over here lately?
My car smells like beer, you're here in spirit
I don't care what you say, the fact that he's a drag queen with the same shoe size as me is reason enough to date him
I raged so hard that I was so hungover today I threw up out of a car window going 50mph cause my parents didn't pull over quick enough ...sorry to the people behind us
But if you do poop yourself let me know. I want that as a tagline. "So funny she'll make you shit yourself."
I'm shotgunning a meatball sub and watching flip or flop. i have reached a new level of singledom.
Thank you, my gorgeous heroine, for being such a total life-saver by giving me rides, forcing me to eat, providing porous absorbant surfaces to bleed on, and everything else you do <3
I absolutely love waking up to see my phone search history is "xj" "qj" "cj" "uj" and "kj"
Is it sad that I just pissed sitting down so I didn't have to stop eating doritos?
On the good side I got hit on by a cute college guy. But the bad side was having sex in a frat house for first time in 9 years
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