So for two years my friend Mark has been building a catapult in his basement. Yesterday he realized it's too big to get it out.
You need to give me a reason immediately why he is your friend.
Going to get yelled at but I labeled the reel "four dried up sluts decide going to the middle east to shop during a war is the best idea ever"
I told the girl who was peeing in the garbage can she must have had a lot of upper body strength.
Sorry I sent so many blank messages. My hands are slippery. Don't ask why.
But you have work tomorrow. And a whore to pick up. And a dinner to eat. And a vagina to slaughter. Your day is full!
I appreciate the concept of vaginal slaughtering.
Our sex has gotten so much better since we broke up.
I just told a squirrel he was gonna suffocate because he was eating a plastic bag. and i stared at him till he spit it out. Its official, I love squirrels more than people. they actually listen.
Ughhhh. Finnnneeeeee. I'll have sex with your brother. Sheesh. The things I do for you woman.
There was confetti in my vomit this morning... Happy New Year!!
I just replaced the poop spray with an air horn... Now we wait!
Eh. Fuck him. He's missing out. I'm legit naked and drinking straight from the bottle of wine.
He said he remembers me...standing on a snowy roof, smoking a blunt, yelling "you're pretty fly for a white guy" at him. Sounds about right.
There is a reason my most meaningful relationship since 2012 has been with Duracel...
rowboat hit a rock. taking on water. going down fast. bring cheerios.
aye aye capn
My brain is like a TV with 10 channels, 9 of them are static and the other one just plays that one Nagito Komaeda edit on loop 24/7
Randomize
