Speaking of morons, I just found half a Subway sandwich in the bathroom drawer You or your brother?
I think when she wakes up, she'll either kill me, or laugh. I hope she laughs.
It doesn't count as drinking alone if you're making rum cake with it.
mom just asked if we are going to need more kaluha as she pulls 5 out of the cupboard. this xmas might kill me
He came in my eye, I lost my earring and all of his friends saw me topless. Happy New Year to you as well.
YOU ARE OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. I AM OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. HOW IS THIS REAL.
My mom opened up my bank statement today....my first alcohol intervention class is at 7:30am tomorrow.
I'll have party bus drop you off in the morning.
I deleted my history right in front of my girlfriend w/out her seeing. Let's go skydiving with no parachutes. I can live thru anything.
My mom is wine drunk and on painkillers. As invigorating as that conversation was, it was also a dark glimpse into my future
All I remember is grabbing a random guys dick at the bar and him just saying thank you and us taking a shot together
She's 90% sass and 10% boobs
This is why you are going on a date. To see if he is fun or if we need to shank him in the parking lot.
The man sent me a video of him doing the helicopter, the least I can do is go visit him in the hospital
i just remembered i drunk watched the brave little toaster last night
Same way I cope with everything else. With dildos, dunkin and depeche mode
Randomize
