It was then that he suggested we all nibble ears. A nibble circle.
woke up with a used condom shoved in my ear. i officially hate alcohol.
I had a dream she was puking on me, but sadly in real life she was puking on me too
Come find me, I'm the girl sitting alone in taco bell at 9 in the morning drinking concealed beer with a straw
Fair warning, if I start singing "Kiss Me, I'm Shitfaced" at any point tomorrow, just go with it
Was having a panic attack, but I'm out of xanax. Substituting with vodka shots and breathing exercises. My therapist will be proud, yes?
He asked me if I wanted to play "Edouard Mandevan," turns out that's French for Edward Winehands
So your brother is gay after all... Just caught him making out with my brother... Apparently he's gay too
YO CONGRATULATIONS ON YOUR MÉNAGE À TROIS. YOU GO, GLENN COCO
I just had to pick up my "let's drink and make bad choices" hat, my banana suit and beer pong table from work. Until just then I couldn't figure out why I got fired.
I found it. now I'm going to the gym to be "healthy" or whatever that folklore is called.
Were you citizens arresting people again last night?
You have not lived until you've slid down a waterfall fucked out of your mind. Fact.
THERE ARE LEGITLY 4 SEPARATE BITE MARKS ON MY DICK. WHAT. THE. FUCK.
Legitimately*
Go fuck yourself
On the plus side, he ate me out and gave me an orgasm. But he also talked about robots during sex and mispronounced it like the dad in the goldbergs and called them “robits”
Randomize