nothing says happy birthday like half a tampon wrapped in someone else's hair on your shoulder.
that's like riding a pigeon when you could fuck a bald eagle
Only I would come home from a random banging with beer and watermelon
please visit steve this weekend, he is getting mature and responsible and shit which scares me.
there's a barbecue in the shower. I'd like to know who got this to fit inside perfectly. impressive
Dude he fell into my wall and left an imprint then decided to have sex with the door open. Vents carry noise pretty well
He offered to teach me how hula hoop in exchange for acid. I took him up on it.
We bought a pool from walmart at 2am...and to make matters even more white trash we headed to Applebee's for half off appetizers and corona-ritas
Did you put Dave Matthews band on the playlist? It's really hard to funnel when "Crash Into Me" kicks in.
I can't have my last hookup before 21 have been behind a dumpster
We were 69ing, but at an angle so we could both still watch Wall-E
It figures that the only time one of my videos on Snapchat gets replayed is a video of my Hedonism Bot impression and NOT my nudes
How do I explain to work that I woke up in my underwear on a trampoline and that I'm not coming in?
Just had to tell a NYC cop I was doing the Dougie in a houndstooth jumper so he could find me in the security video.
Somehow, you looked so classy chugging that bottle of wine last night.
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