I haven't been this sober since birth.
just spent about 3 1/2 hours looking for a dollar so I can buy weed.
suggestion: become a stripper.
I made friends with a raccoon. I pet it. Like I was Pocahontas.
according to the woman who took my blood today, i have "party veins"
Drunk me was responsible for doing it, but sober me was definitely cheering him on
Out of beer. Salsa pong. Never again.
I just sold my hat for three car bombs. I call that a win.
Let's say hypothetically if you were going to put icing on a penis and then lick it clean...what would you ice it with? Not a knife right?
You opened the door to your apartment and shrieked "THE CHAIR IS GONE!" then punted a bag of votive candles
How do I say "I want to suck your balls" in a classy but sexy way,
i guess i fuck people who own bucket hats so i can't talk shit
The fact that I made out with a twenty one year old father is kind of worrying me now. Like. This is exactly what I wasn't supposed to do in life.
honestly i've never been more attracted to you than when you threw up on my floor
I feel like it's the kind of place that would appriciate my Aladdin vest
yeah, but I wanna be the girl that makes him realize he's 100% gay
Randomize