Who would have guessed that ordering a vodka lemonade at Roscoe's was code for I want a hand job
he looked about as manly as a guy in a volkswagen bug can look
Maury Povich's contact info is in our database at work...i should steal it right?
i fucked a milf yesterday.
i'm not impressed, in this generation that could technically mean a 16 year old.
don't blame me for your drunken lack of judgement
big words... still drunk. dont care. your fault.
so i don't know how many beers it takes to make a recliner look like a toilet, but that's how many i had.
Just found out my ex boss was running a whore house in the bar. Time to remove her as a reference?
Oh no I would never do that to her. But when you're single again let me know. Cheating penis is definitely better than single penis. But she has claws.
Yes... I'll kill two birds with one crazy ecstacy filled night.
I bought Plan B for the first time and an interview outfit today. You could say my life is improving.
You FaceTimed your mom in the back of the limo telling her how many guys you hooked up with at the concert
I just got a text from a guy. The python is ours if we want.
we panicked because we couldn't find you anywhere, but then we found you tripping in the bathtub with Marie's cat. there was no water. you thought there was water, though.
WTF DOES CAROLINE HAVE GLASS IN HER FACE
and please, if you feel the urge to call me crying tomorrow night, do so. i will be home bored and sober.
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