So yesterday I was on craigslist and I saw a listing for a sofa-cum-bed. I knew what they meant...
you started whispering 'the itsy bitsy spider' while you were putting your hands up my shorts.
Gym doesn't open till 11. I'm sure that of the other four people waiting in the lobby, I'm the only one still drunk and only going to the gym to shower.
Sorry for punching you in the face last night. I should have known the boxing gloves were a bad idea from the start.
He picked me up went to throw me on his bed. I landed on the wood frame. That's how I broke my rib. We still fucked. Thanks tequila. Best injury ever
Oh if I trust ANYTHING about you it's your ability to lead a douchebag around by the dick
If you wanna be a real wingman, create some insecurity and comment on that pic of all the hot girls with "Id do every girl in this pic.. except the fat one".
Do you think dominoes pizza would deliver faster if I told them I just had shower sex and that always makes me hungry?
That's what jaeger bombs out of teacups will do to you.
I just realized I haven't got laid since the last time the Browns won.
the amount I squirted last night was insane. Im glad i ignored tlc's advice, i went chasing waterfalls and loved every god damn minute of it.
can I cover your dick in cookie butter?
I think I got into an argument with my cat's former owner about what a BDSM relationship entails.
They walked into the house to see me in my neon pink knee high socks trying to pull you out of the cat carrier by your legs...
Apparently I called down to the hotel front desk and begged them to bring us pizza. They brought us tea.
Randomize
