If that ambulance is off to save our dignity, please tell them it's too late...
who knew "i drink your milkshake" would work as a pickup line
This is the 4 year anniversary of the last time I shit my pants. Let's get drunk...
if you were drunk and peed in your friend's washing maching, would you send an "i'm sorry" text or say nothing at all?
all hypothetical of course
so apparently last weekend we taught the mascot how to shotgun beers. am i winning college yet?
You know it was one hell of a night when you need to use your own thong to wipe cum off your face.
Incase you were wondering. Cooking naked turns into sex. Sex and cooking may lead to house fire....
They are going to name an STD after you.
You told me that you would let her eat cake off of your ass, then fell asleep on the floor
What happened to you last night?
SO. MANY. SHOTS.
I'm so high I have morphed into the monopoly man. Or maybe the Pringles guy. I don't know but I have a mustach now
You are now at the point where people no longer question whether or not you might be on drugs. They now know for certain that you are
I told him. He hasn't said anything. Crying and holding cats is probably what is happening.
he just kept biting everyone and singing hilary duff songs. i can't even bring him to a gas station.
My boss walked into my office and gave me a toothbrush and tips for dealing with sex hair. She knows what’s up
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