I'm so glad you managed to take a picture of your foreskin before you broke my camera.
just dd'd my mom home while she begged me to let her drunk dial my ex, jammed out to party in the usa, and then passed the fuck out. thanks for the genes mom.
ENDLESS SCROLLING ON TUMBLR WAS MADE FOR HIGH PEOPLE!
she said we were using the spray butter as air freshener
Do you think that we can get a group discount on liver transplants? We'll be like kids again!
They can be so fun, drunk bruises are like clues to the treasure of what actually happened last night. "why do I have a bruise on my belly button? oh right. i was trying to turn my stomach off so I would stop throwing up."
In a shocking revelation, I learned that the Easter Sunday shit show happened not because of vodka but because my gay neighbor drugged me.
i think the theme of this summer is "shitting in weird locations."
Oh that's what I forgot last night.. To make out with her.
His grandma held his dogs so they wouldn't follow me out the door. It was like a whole new level added to my walk of shame.
Officially crunch time. It's my last year of grad school and I've yet to get blown in a school library. The parking garage was less than a block away though.
Accidentally typed message to mom that included word "kink." FML. Played it off as autocorrect from "drink" which was somehow more acceptable
I felt like I crashed a wedding. Everyone was dressed so nice and I was covered in actual dirt and a little blood.
Kid walks in and orders 24 Mcdoubles and 14 large fries, as he's handing me the money he tells me he lost at rock paper scissors so he had to do the munchie run.
EMERGENCY SUBJECT CHANGE. SHE DOESN'T KNOW.
Randomize