All of his creepy stalker friends want you too
My niece just threw up all over me. My sister's breastmilk was on my face. This is like a fucked-up porno gone terribly wrong.
still drunk. talking shit to the doc drawing my blood. this has no upside
i am way too old to be getting fingered at work
ugh i can't even wear this perfume anymore. it just brings back blurry memories of blowjobs and regret.
he slipped a picture of a kangaroo under my door that said "im sorry" on the back and passed out on my lawn.. who the fuck is this kid?
My lower body still feels like its been through a garbage disposal and a trash compactor. In that order.
Ok! I picked up an anti-celebratory bottle of champagne on the way to dinner for her going to rehab. That's how I feel about this...
Whoever invented the gimlet should be given a medal and then shot
Just keep my face away from hard objects. And by that I do not mean erect penised.... those are totally fine. It's more just things like rocks, table edges, blunt objects, etc so I don't get another concussion.
Turns out lunch break sex with someone you cant stand being around for any amount of time just makes you wish you had gone to get tacos like you originally planed.
Its not the fact that i woke up wearing a tutu that bugs me its the fact that i have 75 photos of me wearing a tutu on facebook
New hot neighbor boys moving in across from us...So i did the logical thing and bought two 30 packs up the hill and walked right by em. Consider the line hooked and ready to reel.
when I woke up, he was drunk and singing "soft kitty" and petting my face
That awkward moment when you hear your boss yelling during sex while you're on her couch eating Easy Mac.
Randomize
