My roommate was eating ketchup out of a bowl. Get me the hell out of here.
dude, I'm listening to "I believe I can fly", i'm high, and driving. this is so amazing.
smoking a cig and getting head on the last night of my cruise. and she doesn't mind that i'm texting you right now. this is now on my list of top 10 nights of my life.
so what if he's got a new girlfriend. the guy i'm fucking has an english accent. i win.
Apparently everytime he put me down to bed I escaped out the window, I faintly recall climbing into the canoe in the back yard, and air paddling.
oh no, don't get me wrong.. she IS really pretty. If you are in to horses or Sarah Jessica Parker.
Ikeep having to ask jim if I'm actually talking. I canmt feel my body...this is what Christmas is all about
Fell down the metal stairs and some guy tried to fight me after you left. I fell asleep with cadbury eggs in my mouth too.
My drug dealer just asked me to go see Les Mis on Christmas. Should I be worried this is some type of musical set-up?
Question. Was fucking Laura an entirely regrettable decision?
like...quickly.
I haven't been that free with the boobs since I was 19. I'm putting them away for a while.
If you insist
The one guy literally flopped my boob out. Yes I insist.
I sang him a lovely rendition of 'So Long and Thanks For All the Fish", but replaced fish with dick.
I apologize in advance for the amount of cleavage I'll be exposing your boyfriend to.
There's a video of you almost falling asleep in a bar stool listening to Jimmy Buffett. Nekkid.
You got into an extremely loud argument with a juggalo and slapped him, he started crying and everyone cheered.
I remember that, it happened before I started drinking. I thought you said I did something shameful?
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