When my options for Friday night are being a 3rd wheel or bringing a gay man as my date i need to focus on other things in life like having a successful career.
He washed my hair whilst I gave him head in the shower. Bored or gay?
I couldn't tell if those girls from the bar were lesbians or just awesome
I kept pulling the $1 bills off the stage and told everyone "no no no she has to work for this money"
Just remembered when I bought that round of shots I told the girls to "get their whore friend" who was making out with her bf instead of drinking. I don't know why they stayed.
She's trying to put on her dog muzzle on her self
Oh you have the munchies, Dad? That's great and congratulations on the weed but STOP EATING MY APPLE PIE
Multi-day drunkenness is to binge drinking as black diamonds are to skiing. They're tough and confusing and you hurt afterwards, but you did it and you probably got an alright story along the way.
There's a girl passed out on the sidewalk at the parade. Its not even 10am. She gave candy to children saying it was ketchup. Still think I have a problem?
Oohh. Then yes, he is the Alpha Fuckboy.
I told my dad that he was in a band and he was all like " good job" and then he looked up the band and listened to their music and just went " oh have you disappointed me"
If you wake up with half a an eyebrow.... I'm pretty sure it was a good time.
Did you happen to find the other half of my bra last night?
who knew being a fake dominatrix could be so fun?
You know how fear has a smell? Well turns out shame has a smell too. It's Pina colada flavored anal grease.
Randomize