When we were fucking, you could hear the beer sloshing around in my stomach
You know you're true friends when you can talk about what sexual diseases you may or may not have.
new revelation: five guys for breakfast
new revelation: previous revelation not a good revelation
the coke olympics were a bad idea. there's a tree uprooted in the front of my building.
please remember that your boobs are bigger than your sisters. when you borrow her shirts they stretch and then shes left flapping in the breeze. dont borrow her clothes anymore. love dad.
I feel like a great embryo-shaped weight has been lifted off my shoulders.
So I'm seriously debating forwarding these sexts to his horse faced new gf including the ones that say he still loves me... but I still need his check to clear... decisions decisions
i love that feeling when you wake up and have no idea how you got back to your dorm or why you have mac and cheese on your cheeks and eyelashes in your mouth
1. Are there men involved 2. Is there food involved 3. Do I have to put pants on 4. Do I have to leave this bed
Talk about an dramatic entrance, girl rolled up on a stolen bike and was wearing heels and a dress, through it on the ground and said "you guys want a bike?" Of course i jumped on that shit, any sane person would!
Some lady found my secret pooping bathroom at work. Do I fight her Highlander style? I made or may not be fashioning a crude sword from seat covers and toilet paper rolls.
Do it. DO IT. There can be only one.
It was inevitable. It was like I was a caterpillar and now I'm a drunk and high butterfly
No he reached for my hand at the beach. I pretended to be a seagull.
Yay I only have ONE giant mystery bruise from yesterday
YOU FUCKED THE DARE INSTRUCTOR DIDN'T YOU?
Randomize
