i was so high i thought his mole came off and was flying around
this girl im hooking up with thought my ring was a purity ring... apparently im taking it too slow
Woke up in a different state, wearing only a bk crown. My boxers are in a tree and I think I went to the hospital last night.....
I told you not to do acid with the girl who works the late shift at 7-11
This is a whole other level of drinking. Like the I used to eat paste with these people kinda drinking.
I just headbutted my cat because he was trying to eat my bacon.
when she first told me she hooked up with him my initial response was to shout "WE HAVE SOMETHING IN COMMON!"
A three fingered guy just showed up with fireworks and bourbon, tonight will be entertaining.
We have a guy passed out in the bathroom with one of our pots. Not sure if he's your friend so I let him be
What if our hands were octopus tentacles?
You're an idiot.
I've been randomly kik messaging bearded men I find on Instagram while sitting unshowered in my underpants. I'm like the girl version of a creepy uncle.
I knew my bag made it because I could smell the fireball that spilled inside of my suitcase before it was on the luggage carousel.
I was going to text you that earlier, but I felt like before 10 was probably to early to bring up boners
I feel I should send an apology letter to my anesthesiologist.
I now know he's been cheating for a while. I also know HER name, address, phone number, Facebook account, religion and zodiac sign. I feel like I'm earning my restraining order. Point is, never fuck over a librarian.
Little girl was fucking around on the train and completely ran her head into a pole. Totally burst out laughing as she cried. Her mom was not amused. I don't think I should be a Mom. EVER.
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