woke up this morning with "hah" written on my penis.i was like wtf?? morning wood kicked in and found out what it really said, haNNah.then i remembered.
my cat ate my toast this morning while i was getting dressed. i can already tell today is going to suck.
Its a long story, but I have superglue on my tongue
I hate girls that dress up to come to planned parenthood. I just want to be like we are all in the same boat here, we know your slutty. Its OK.
while being fingered today, I was told I have an abnormally deep g-spot. Now you know, I am a size queen because of SCIENCE.
i remember getting really pissed off when you wouldn't let me sleep in the garage with your cat.
did you find a tooth?
did you lose one?
I totally just potholed and almost crashed while trying to lick salsa off my boob.
Just saw a huge group of people walk by in there in their underwear. Too stoned for this.
See what happens chris. I told u not to invite her over. Now shes on her way to jail and were stuck with two pomeranians.
I don't want to ruin date night, but you have no idea how hard it is to poop whilst looking at cute puppies.
Dude fuck drugs. It's 4am and I'm eating mushroom ravioli fantasizing about jumping on a trampoline
SMOKEY THE BEAR CAME AT US WITH FUCKING AXES IN MY DREAM I THINK IT IS A SIGN TO STOP BLAZING IT IN THE WOODS
You don't usually get feedback after a one night stand... But you hit it out of the park. I'm proud to call you a friend.
She was blowing me like a porn star and all I could think was "you just told me your grandfather is dying in hospice right now"
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