I went to blockbuster, where I always go when I need to soul searching
Despondent, hopeless, I decide on vantage point, because I vaguely resemble matthew fox (let me believe this, please)
It was cheaper to buy then rent, so now I'm stuck w/ a wretched hangover and I own this shit movie
I think i'm just gonna start shot-gunning everything that comes in can form.
he asked me to have sex with him by saying 'take one for the team'. so no we didn't do it.
just snorted lines off a mancala board. I'm destined to win this game.
I just figured out that you can toast a marshmallow with a butter knife and a cigarette lighter. I'm like a retarded Mister Wizard
And you kept repeating "I didn't know know that this was a no blow job zone."
Do you think if I puke at the gym they think is because I'm going hard walking on the treadmill?
i just woke up to a text from him apologizing for making me eat a full lemon
I knew it was going to be a good night when i heard another girl call his dick "Thor's Hammer"
Pretty sure encouraging you to sleep with 2 different girls while keeping you in the good graces of both has lost me the ability to call myself a woman. But that's just the kind of friend I am; dedicated.
We tried the hang n bang, remember? You ruined it by crying and telling me you loved me while blowing me.
whose parrot is this?
Listen all we did was not even pretend we aren’t each other’s type and live together and constantly encourage each other to get laid for 6 months.
Idk how it devolved into us fucking.
I'm basically the yoda of knowing when someone wants to sleep with you
My manager is trying to help me find a good career path, and I'm trying to find a professional way to tell him I just wanna smoke and fuck.
Randomize
