I'm going to jail i love you
my mom just threw water on me to get me awake and is screaming "where is my fucking car?!"
you gave me a ride last nite what the hell did you do with it after you left me?
i think the fact that he graduated high school the year i graduated elementary school is sexy.
Hawaiian shirts and no dignity
We are always on the same wavelength...kinda eerie.
We're going on a mission for new porn. And ice cream.
I texted her sayin "I gotta brush my teethn then Im omw" maybe hint to do the same
i've never heard her scream louder than when the koreans scored. what am i lacking in bed?
my mom just asked if she should wash your furry handcuffs with the lights or darks
im calling her cock vulture from now on
It'll be like the burning bush except without moses and with pubes.
I legit just woke up on my couch, snuggled up next to some guy who's wearing my roommate's pink bathroble. What the fuck do they put in those shots?
He puked over my shoulder into the toilet. The guy in the next stall sounded totally appalled.
I just want to lay in a bed of egg mcmuffins and cry
Breaking news: when you're gone every towel is a dick towel
So I remember having an orgasm, but I didn't wake up next to anyone. Your dog is afraid of me. Is this a sick joke?
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