My nipple is on Facebook.
I'm too stoned for this. I'm Canadian.
four loko is officially banned. leave it to the kids from a state school to fuck it up for everyone
Don't be alarmed at the kitchen mess. I had to shoot the fire extinguisher on the toaster oven, one quick blast. It was a matter of safe over sorry.
the cab driver asked if you were our mom. you definitely shouldn't have tipped him so much.
You have to sext the same way you right a resume, you can only use active verbs
While I was sneeking out of her apartment, there was a giant cage with a parrot in it. I half expected it to squak "hit and run...hit and run."
I need vitamin water and Jesus :/
As if I wouldn't steal Nintendo brand "Mario is my HOMEBOY!" boxers when he gave me the entire drawer to choose from.
If sandwichs had dicks, my life would be complete
The whole time you were apparently enduring your pukescapades, I was singing very loudly in the car to Beyonce on my way to get a post-coitus Diet Coke.
If anyone needs me I'll be in the bathtub, eating fast food and shooting straight vodka while I seriously evaluate my life choices and cry.
Googling enemas while I get a pedicure ... My life in one senence
Bruise count after new years, 7. 2018 is looking up.
Wow you are like a taller more attractive sex Yoda.
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