I'm not even planning on drinking that much tonight.. but I'm writing "emergency contact number" and your number on my hand just in case
I woke up on a futon with 2 stolen budwiesers in my purse, 5 extra bucks, a sucker stuck to my shoe, one sock, and a stolen copy of the zombie survival guide
please tell me this is not legit
The girl with a dislocated arm just did an assisted keg stand. You will never have an excuse again.
I'm bringing a flask to the test on friday. If I'm gonna fail at least I can enjoy the experience
I miss your penis. I'm telling you this as a friend, like its just a really great penis. You should be proud of it.
the remote is under the fat chick passed out on the couch. Good luck .. and may god have mercy on your soul.
After being his wingman last night, I've decided I will never talk about becoming a lesbian ever again. Picking up chicks is way too hard.
i came so hard i kicked through my windshield
Pretty sure i brought my phone charger to a booty call
You think he will forgive me for the paper being a week late if I bring him a beer?
...it's a 9am class...
You know you turned your life around when your drunk eating salad at 3 am on a Friday night
Also he said my vagina was sculpted by gods so there must be some feelings here.
Pretty sure by 1p, she had fucked all of my bodily fluids out of me. I'm now trying to replace them with bourbon so 2016 is turning out pretty good.
I've been in town for almost 36 hrs and I haven't made out with a stranger yet - I consider THAT a record!
I can’t believe the first text I’m sending you from this phone was about how I just got fingered in a smart car on tin can hill
Randomize
