I might come over and watch a movie but I can't spend the night. my parents would wonder where i was
you're 26.
nah, its part of my diet to keep track of the servings of everything i put into my body
how many servings is brandon's dick?
I guess I fist pumped too hard. I hit my mom in the face and now we're sitting in the ER.
When we told the nurse what happened, she replied with "OH, Well you don't look Italian to me!"
You were so hammed, you asked your buddy in Economics to plot a demand curve for Parmesan Cheese.
Putting the hydrocodone in Pez dispensers. Do you want Speedy Gonzales or Darth Vader?
I kind of want you to get arrested just so I could frame an avatar mugshot.
And here i was gonna offer you a complimentary blowjob.
Ya I guess if we compared our actions now with our actions 2 years ago. We are definitely in a constant state of shit showness.
I can't tell if I'm hungover or if my cat just knocked the lamp on my face
Ok well hopefully you're not staging an intervention for me at your place because I'm bringing beers
Do you remember using the vicegrip to demonstrate how wide your penis is?
That's crazy. Wow that lady must be fucked up
Yeah I hope she's okay.
I'm still going to fuck her husband but I do hope she's okay.
Executive decision.... we are cuddling naked
I remember 2 things. 1. Hanging through the window. 2. And she needing a bucket to puke in. That’s all. I have no other memory.
I feel like my entire body is ashamed of me today
You're a god amongst men today
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