I would fuck her until my dick fell off. then i would fuck her with your dick.
it wouldnt have been so bad but she still had the cowboy hat on when my mom walked in
can u get pink eye on your cock?
I sold my books for weed money!
Finals don't start for a week...
Woke up with eyeliner streaked down my face, glitter all over my bed, and holding half-eaten Jimmy Johns. Plus, my whole family's downstairs for Thanksgiving... Welcome to the shitshow that is my early 20s
I said I usually like going out for coffee before torturing someone's genitals. He said he understood.
I feel like death crawled up inside me and died. That sick
So he says to my dad "I'll pull out of your daughter but I'm not going to apologize". Yea, my night was fun.
Why wake up next to a guy when you can wake up next to a bag of chips and not have to worry about what kind of std you might've caught
I just set an alarm for 5 am tomorrow morning titled "Wake and Bake Its Christmas motherfucker"
if i get arrested im counting on you to get a picture of it
I accepted my type is not "conventionally attractive" when she asked me "Him? Are you sure?" 5 times in front of him last night
I need to start journaling my drunk thoughts. Drunk me is fucking brilliant & sober me is missing out.
I'm really excited to meet your new dude! But we really need to find out if he's your cousin first.
You are, as of last night, the self declared king of pooping. Long may you reign.
Randomize
