so my phone accidentally called my dad from my purse at 2:14am....he has a 5 min voicemail of me discussing how Alicia should bang the guy who eats good pussy... i can never look at my dad in the face again....
you called to congratulate me on being the reason you lost never have i ever
I mean this holiday was built on cheap beer, shitty whisky, and processed meat... and I fully plan to honor that
Im drunk and they're making me play quiet game. Im scared. Baptists are here
i am too hungover to go to class can you just call me and put it on speaker phone
I think the best part was when you jumped over me naked.
Okay wait let me power puke and then we can go dancing
Now that I'm single, I like to think of myself as in a relationship with Taco Bell.
Okay. How did someone manage to piss on TOP of a urinal? What giant is roaming around with a prick five feet from the ground?
We are not in a rock band. We can't continue living like this.
At the start of the night I was all 'come at me universe' and three hours later I was ordering an extra large pizza in bed in the dress I had gone out in. Well played universe.
Aaand now my client contact has seen your boobs.
My one regret (beside the inevitable shit storm that followed) is that now I can't fuck his cute friend.
Im sorry you'll never get the feeling of closeness when you go to pee outside and you realize you're peeing right where someone else just peed
As for the other mouse...I don't have any mouse traps so I put a Jell-O shot on the ground. Party hard little dude.
Randomize
