did i leave my keys in your car? BTW: sorry for throwing that drink on your date.
remind me to tell you what i found stuck to me this morning
I'm really sorry we tried to have sex on top of you last night.
There were so few words spoken that I'm not sure if it was make-up or break-up sex.
The calves of my jeans are covered in jello shots from Sunday, how desperate do I have to be before I start licking them?
Remember when we made you finish your beer after you puked into your glass?
i hate being the asshole.
When a man can't even pay attention to you when you're telling him about how big his penis is, there's something wrong
Just dodged a state trooper, your weed will be there shortly. Fear the unbustable!
For new year's, we should just keep our resolution simple and keep accomplishing burpees in heels.... while drunk.
Stay strong! Remember we're too uncoordinated to be strippers to make money instead of being a nurse
Tell me again why we had to Facebook stalk your therapist?
Let's make this a nightly thing. You'll explain the Watergate scandal like you're telling me a bedtime story while I eat popcorn high as fuck
Your dick is the only reason I have motivation to come back to school today
He fucked me harder than I've ever been fucked before and afterwards he started crying and profusely apologizing to god and baby Jesus for his sin.
I want to shoot him sideways (so he can still breathe) in the Adam's apple with my little crossbow.
Randomize