was it mean of me to chase him screaming "DO YOU EVER WANT TO BE ABLE TO HAVE CHILDREN?!"?
omfg. get on facebook. the science olympiad team had a rave.
It's like God was speaking to me through a penis.
Hey we need to step our game up. Dad has us beat; he stole a vending machine once.
Oh we will ALWAYS be together. Or I'll have to delete my Facebook altogether. I've drunkenly boobie trapped photos of us into every album. There's no way I'd ever have the patience to go through that deletion process.
Well that's the thing. He does want to take me out... To a strip club. I see this going down a very bad road but you know I'm going to go.
This family outing has commenced with me throwing up in an apple orchard
After a long night of drunk sexting I have to the ninja roll at the front door to see who showed up.
Why are your underwear on my dining room table?
What I thought was my travel sanitizer was actually my travel lube. Most awkward transit ride of all time!
you got to sleep with him and don't even remember it? that's like sleeping through an entire vacation
Well. I mean as excuses for running late go, 'losing track of time in the bathhouse' has gotta be up there on the top ten.
You told him he looked like Jesus and that you wanted to fuck his face, I'd say your blind date went well
Got everyone out of my house, somehow managed to put all my lawn furniture back, puked in my sink, and cleaned it up all while black out drunk before my parents came home. Successful night.
And I’m prepared, because I'm in it to win it (and by win I mean get railed hard)
Randomize
