did he really ask u insert a warm banna in ur anal?
Woke up to a denim duvet cover this morning... why r guys so tacky?
Tried to buy Xanax from my boss last night. Wrong Mike.
um i just went through the in-n-out drive thru and meant to ask for my cheeseburger animal style. turns out what i actually said was, can i get that cheeseburger doggy style? been a rough weekend.
I'm 99% sure that for 3 hours I thought you were British. We must smoke that again.
She's never had brie before last night, don't know if I can date a girl that doesn't like soft cheeses.
He told me all about his plan for proposing to his girlfriend as pillow talk.
Passed out on her toilet. Dog licked my face to wake me. Awkward talk with her boyfriend, who hadn't been home last night. Not sure exactly what town I'm in, but I'm south. Will call for ride when I figure it out.
She kept saying how cute and adorable I was. I felt like a care bear getting a blowjob
Dear me: Drinking & crying tonight, my place, 9pm sharp. Love, your life
If you are breathing, I want you at your house. No non-breathing-related excuses.
My mom just offered to be my designated driver tonight. I love being an adult.
if you come you're not allowed to wear pants. if you arrive wearing pants you won't be wearing them long.
just called AAA to get my keys out of me car and then afterwards realized they were in my pocket...stoner life
Remember how I made that resolution to remain celibate for 6 months? Well, I just broke that
You literally made that 4 hours ago...
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