don't worry, i already broke the ice when i told the story about how i super glued a picture of big bird to my vag.
new low: my hungover self just mistook bacon grease for mashed potatoes. worst. mistake. ever.
No, we talked about it. They're cool with me living here as long as I sleep with them both.
You're a rent hooker.
I almost shit my pants in anger over your moral sanity.
Sitting on the curb by new england comics with a weeping drunk girl who's eating french fries saying she'll never be as successful as her sister the hand model. She's scaring the nerds.
did you know that my friend knows a guy with 3 balls what the actual fuck
I had a face to face conversation with her vagina, asking it not to make me look bad.
Nothing like having your house arrest ankle bracelet vibrate and take a moisture sample at the exact moment you're about to blow it in some chick...buzzkill
If a marine in My bed is not considered a valid excuse for missing class then I don't want to live in America anymore
I was gonna drive but when i tried to use telekinesis to get my keys, I knew I shouldn't be driving
I might run out into oncoming traffic. Id rather break my legs and/or die then continue with today.
You can't do wine Netflix and blow jobs in the bed you've had since 5th grade with your parents downstairs
Can you come get me? I woke up in the woods behind the Super 8. I have pizza.
Was I trying to make a threesome happen again?!
Yep
I need to stop doing that, Im gonna get punched in the face
Sorry i ignored you for so long. I think my vibrator is broken.
Randomize
