I might come over and watch a movie but I can't spend the night. my parents would wonder where i was
you're 26.
Dude, I just rear-ended a cab
Are you drunk?
A little...yes
Run!
Terrible brother advice.
Do you think there's anyone left in this world that hasn't masturbated in a computer chair?
I just fired a shotgun out of the back of a truck going 60. i am going to miss oregon.
it was literally the size of a crayloa marker. i didnt know what to do with it so i just sat there
She called him at 5 AM so that he'd be ready for her birthday breakfast and drinks at 6. This is why people don't need to wait until their 21st to have their first drink.
And all you did was hit on me and do things "for America", so you weren't judged heavily
I haven't been this unsober in a long time. I feel like I am observing myself. Like I am a test subject for alcohol. I wish my brain would shut up and let me be a normal drunk.
Look at all the pictures I have of us sucking on jello syringes.
Yes she was blowing me but I couldnt see her face. The only light was from the sparklers she asked me to hold. I love 4th of July.
There's a man with a stuffed dog and a can of dog food on the L. Should I break it to him?
Best not to. Some people need their delusions.
just like cleaning my room and being more organized in my life. more so just making sure a toaster doesn't end up in my car again for 2 months
Oh it's tea and biscuits for everyone. An possibly pink eye
He woke up wondering who broke in and rearranged all the furniture. He reviewed 11 hours of security footage before I told him he did it while whiskey-drunk.
So adding to the list of things my boobs can do, sweeping with a broom is apparently a thing.
Randomize
