People kept wishing me happy birthday last night. apparently i was 21st birthday drunk
Party at my house. Liquor pinata. Your presence is required.
Just woke up to find myself cooking eggs on the imaginary stove in my room.
I just realized that there are baby oil soaked hand prints on the wall over my bed. Last night was a good night.
Pitchers of shots should be outlawed. I've puked more than i've breathed in the past half hour.
YOU GOT KINKY WEIRD ICE CREAM HEAD ON FRIDAY DONT EVEN COMPLAIN.
Was there a Canadian at your party or did I dream that?
The taxi driver was going on about how many drunk chicks want to sleep with him when he drives them home. Not sure if he was bragging or hinting
woke up next to the new dishwasher. set the record for banging a new employee to 6 hours...i should be a professional sexual predator
How is there no taco emoji?! That's some bullshit.
She showed up after 3 hours and proceded to make us all feel like resonable human beings. I dont know how she did it but she did it.
Saw two pregnant women at court today and I SWEAR one of them said "we had a threesome with this random guy and he got both of us pregnant."
You know it's really hard to draft fantasy football players in a crowded bar when I have a raging hard on
I think I left my thong in your bed. Careful. It has the power to destroy the agitator on a washing machine
Joke’s on you. I got to talk to a furry about why nukes are bad and why musicals are good.
Randomize
