Omg. If Ina Garten Makes roast chicken one more time im going to strangle her with her white button down
in retrospect, sexting while high was a mistake - I meant to say "I'll fuck you stupid, baby" but of course I said "I'll fuck your stupid baby"
There's a paramedic out here, what have you done?
Im sweating champagne and woke up in nothing but a tuxedo jacket. What didnt go wrong last night?
Dude's from Puerto Rico. Majoring in Spanish is like us majoring in drinking with a minor in watching Forgetting Sarah Marshall.
Yeah, sam & jessica were trying to have sex and you walked in & started coaching them through it with a fake hulk hogan mustache on.
We where late for the party because we spent the last hour staring at a towl becase we thought it was a raccoon
There are some things you can ever unsee. And walking in on your dad jerking off is one of those things.
I have no idea how but i got a hold of a blue food dye packet. And proceeded to rub it all over my tits. So yeah i'd say its safe to say i'll be known as smurfette for a while
DO NOT SLAP ANYONE WITH ANY VEGAN MEAT PATTIES
Wife and kids came home early...naked passed out covered in chili cheese Fritos dad will haunt them forever.
You told him about your cats? I told his friend to put his dick in my mouth, and you talked about cats!?
I couldn't find the oven mitts so I used a thick stack of tortillas
We're at an agreement where I don't pry and she pretends blissful ignorance
She really wants to put my dick in her mouth, and to be honest I really don't want to put it there.
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