Emee failed...She used my genitals as a tampon
Yeah, we realized keeping you in a cage wasn't beneficial to us
Last night I fell down in the street (I think in someone's vomit), cut my knee up, lost my moms necklace and my license, and had to walk back to the hotel.
Last night I apparently send my boss a picutre of my boobs. On the bonus part I got a raise today. So I just want to thank your parents for naming you Jeff cuz if I was not so hammered last night I would have sent it to the right one.
You get drunk and try to bury your girlfriend in the sand JUST ONCE and all hell breaks loose
This costume is too restrictive. The priest and I cannot get it on while I am wearing it.
We were Chugging coronas for the soul purpose of launching limes out of the 3rd story window, I'd say it was a good weekend
I will expect an hourly check text to confirm you are alive and that you aren't dead in a ditch somewhere with a hobo dry humping your corpse
We had a threesome and he gave us bottle rockets and a lamp for our apartment
In the morning he said my plan to make 2 casseroles today was, "hot in a grandma sort of way," & I didn't think it was weird. THAT'S how hot he was.
After a while I was so wet that I started crying. HE MADE ME SO HORNY I WEPT.
I swear to god....if you can give yourself a brazilian you can take a fucking bullet
K. The dog and I are outside. The Uber driver said "I hope he fucks the shit out of you"
Swear to god, somebody just drove by with mickey mouse in their passenger seat and he waved at me.
So a bottle of lube exploded all over my softball bag and Nike shirt.
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