If penises could fly, my ass would totally be an airport.
His housemate was playing a sad violin solo for me on my way out. God I hate musicians.
And just when I was about to fall asleep, he hit me in the face, and claimed he's a "violent sleeper".
He put used condom on the handle of the plunger in the bathroom.
I figured, if I'm going to wear a gold cape its pretty safe to assume I'll be blacking out as well.
I just feel like I should give it a rest. I'm too old to be drinking bottles of grey goose and falling into koi ponds.
The staff doesn't like it when you try and take your wheelchair for a joy ride since I've been waiting for an hour and a half.
This is God's way of telling me He loves me and wants me to be a cocktease.
Go forth my daughter and give blue balls to all who may gaze upon your tits.
I asked her politely not to touch my dick
Who needs sounds of the ocean? I just fall asleep to whatever chubby he is banging next door.
Is it possible to break your brain with drugs?
My vagina needs a break, I had to ice it with a beer bottle last night.
I don't even care if you were high. The fact that I've been begging for us to have those cinnamon rolls for months and you didn't even save me one is not ok.
I am not a whore. I just wanted casual drinking, monogamous sex and occasional McDonald's runs.
Her pegging playlist is all heavy metal so stay away if you wanna keep your ass intact
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