That girl would be way hotter if she changed her face.
Yeah well I just ate cereal out of a muffin pan with a fork. I'll flip a coin as to who has to tackle that pile of dishes we've neglected for 3 weeks.
i decided not to call her again when she started singing "goodbye my lover" as i was walking out the door..
you told the bartender not to open the bottle because you were gonna put it in your purse in case you get cut off later
They get 5 minutes to wear their speedos at the wedding
Oh my god I'll have to be really drunk for that
Apparently he proposed after he saw me chug vodka out of a traffic cone.
It's all fun and games until your AARP eligible neighbors end up blacking out in your yard at 5pm with a box of franzia. I'm feeling a great year ahead
Well, when you bump into your parents at a swingers meetup, it's time to change cities
Tomorrow I need you to slap me in the face. I'll explain then
He told me I was "too flexible." Excuse me?
I was just asked by a police officer to not come back to Lancaster...
Kinda hard to look your partner in the face the day after a rousing game of How Many Ways Can I Capture Your Penis.
That awkward moment when you're drunk enough to crave cocaine, but you're sober enough to know it's only Tuesday.
We fucked while The Odyssey played in the background. Homer would be proud.
I'm drunkenly throwing popcorn at a spider, fuck him. Why does his scary 8 legs get to be happy?
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