I saved him in my fone as special pumba. he was just pumba but then he found me drugs
my little brother just caught me blowing my step cousin in the lobby bathroom at our family reunion
We were busted for public indecency in the back of my car in the parking lot. This time we were just reading my Cosmo magazine.
just thinking about him makes my vagina shudder.
just had to re-breakup with her. it was like shooting a dead horse that was crying and talking.
ITS A JAGER BOTTLE. NOTHING CAN BE BAD IF ITS JAGER RELATED.
Is it socially acceptable to stop at the strip club for the lunch buffet on my way to the airport?
You don't know how emotionally damaged I am from crashing into that park maintenance van. I'll never ride a bike because of it.
When cunnilingus is one of the first 25 words you say to someone there's a problem
#reasonsyoushouldnthaveatinder
She sent me nudes via email. What the fuck are we still in the 90s? Grow up
He ate a Doritos taco from my boobs. Does your boyfriend do that?
I think I accidentally invented a religion.
I feel I should send an apology letter to my anesthesiologist.
Of fucking course I get my period on Valentine's Day...
& I came downstairs to find my whole family discussing the fact that I have a vibrator, which my mom found accidentally....
Randomize
