i hope kanye doesn't show up to patrick swayze's funeral. " i'll let you get back to your funeral in a minute...but michael jackson had the best death of the year. just sayinnn ".
Killed two birds with one stone: found my wallet and unclogged the toilet.
A small cock is a small cock, don't blame the size of my hands
I guess you don't remember pouring tequila in the dog bowl and slurping it.
Woke up in an unfamiliar pair of underwear, running shoes but no socks, and a cowboy hat. Thank you crown royal
I need to stop getting so excited when a guy unzips his pants and its bigger than my boyfriends. I look like a kid in a candy store.
she shotgunned a can of v8, threw the can on the ground and said, "fuck bitches get money" then passed out on the spot
The brazilian leg lock that the stripper put me in was definitely the highlight of the night
I've never had sex with me but I assume there are worse ways to be woken up.
I haven't even sucked a boob is 6 weeks I hate not college
I'm serious-it was like trying to deep-throat a minivan.
The not so cute guy next to me made me play Kid Rock on the jukebox but I'm a big believer in free drinks so I obliged.
I just want to say that I've always loved you and you are my best friend ever
You gave that creepy guy my number, didn't you? You really need to learn how to just say no, not interested.
His penis is the only thing worth pursuing but all the baggage attached isn't.
i don't think the phrases "so shitty" & "taking care of my newborn" should be combined in the same sentence. leave it to her to make it possible eh?
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