fuck the hobbit
what about unicorns?
fuck those pointy horses
But, I don't have the body of a porn star, so nobody would hire me. Unless they're doing like a trip to the safari and they need an albino rhino
so he let me use one of the toothbrushes that came in his daughters 4 pack, purple glittery toddler toothbrush, the next time i came back his wife has used their label maker and put my name on it...
entire chemistry final was about beer... i actually might miss this place
waking up outside has become so normal, the paper boy knows to set the paper next to me
cell reception changed and I can no longer text you from the toilet... that means I'll be texting you less often, just fyi
I mean, how many people can say they helped surgically remove something from their body? Other than the guy that got his hand stuck under a rock and cut it off. Doesn't count
It's gotten to the point that the dirty talk in my head when I touch myself has your accent
Yesterday was just the icing on the rejection cake that was my week
note to self: shower sex when you have 7 stitches in your leg is never a good idea. never.
Nobody will take a lit match to your nipple without warning you this time. Pinky swear.
It's all fun and games until you have to pay the bar tab.
Bear grylls would be proud of my improvisation. Just used her vibrator to massage my back after hurting it at work.
So I have now fucked both my roommates...This is why I can’t live with men.
Ooooh no. Jesus take the wheel, or Moses. SOMEBODY TAKE THE WHEEL
Randomize
