Please stop sending me picture messages of your shit. Seriously. I don't care if it looks like popcorn chicken.
Thanks for ditching me last night. I got a ride home from the Dominos delivery guy. You owe me 3 large pizzas.
My BOSS just pulled out a box of Christmas stuff labeled reefs.
we seriously had to hang a plastic bag on his ears so he could throw up right into it.
You need to take one for the team and go bang a random sample of mexicans. Cause my internets broke and I can't google mexican foreskin stats.
i wasn't about to bring her gummy handcuffs to her father's funeral
Shotgunned a beer while taking a bath.
his dick makes me think maybe a monogamous relationship forever is possible.
We left your bucket of puke on your doorstep to clean out yourself. You're welcome.
dude, apparently i tried to force feed my grandma bananas last night.
Literally sucked a dick for ten seconds before I said to myself, this tiny ass penis isn't worth it. My night last night
Literally I can feel my heart beat in my vagina because of how sore I am
He called out my ex's name during sex.
Alex is a pretty common unisex name.
It was the same Alex. I asked.
I woke up naked and alone this morning. What a life
I'm pretty sure my therapist gave me the green light to fuck him.
Randomize