I could have mohawked her pubes.
Last night my friend tried to make out with me in an olive garden. Ahahah
Nothing says 'I love you' like never ending salad and breadsticks
I really hope I'm not the first person who's had to wash vomit off of cash and credit cards.
I thanked her for the handjob she gave me in the middle of the night. She had no idea what i was talking about. I think she sleep-jerked-me-off. Im def sleeping over tonight too
I thought we agreed, no more super glueing action figures to my dick
Let's turn this shoulder dislocation into a positive. Come to the hospital, bring some beers, let's party.
Every time you come over you bleed on everything. I'm not calling Verizon again asking if blood is considered water damage.
And the clouds opened up and the sex gods said I hate you alfalfa
Nurse helped me count all my sexual partners and still gave me her phone number. She shall be #73.
I put chex mix in your purse for when you get hungry while doing your walk of shame tomorrow!
Sober me admires drunk me's enthusiasm, but there is no way I'm going to make it out there today.
Lol drunk you is so full ideas and happy. Sober you is full of grumpy reality.
Someone's vagina was extra sandy cause the left side of my bed feels like the beach.
Molly I still can't believe u puked in that guys hands and still got laid
Tinder recommend to a friend: making threesomes easier since 2016
I woke up in a warehouse with the words “Property of Adam” written on my chest in frosting.
Randomize
