she moved to the other side of town, do you realize how far i gotta walk to get a blow job???
I decided that Calgary can keep my underwear. They earned it.
Yeah I don't remember why I went to the hospital though but I just called and they have my wallet
All I wanted was a quiet evening to masturbate and eat cake and instead you ruined it by bringing girls over.
How would I get in touch with Carly Rae Jepsen if I wanted to thank her for the loss of my virginity?
How many strippers in the world do you think have had a debate with someone about the NRA?
I seem to have forgotten that I am wearing a one piece bathing suit under my clothes
He ran over from the bar to give me more singles because the stripper was doing gymnastics on me. He is a really great friend, just probably not the best boyfriend.
Just try not to burn your pubes off with sparklers this year.
No promises
I swear you won't find cereal in your washer machine again.
He's like a computer from 2001 in a 2014 world. It just doesn't work. Lots of glitches.
It's a sad day when you're not really phased by the McChicken video only because you've seen weirder porn.
what happened last night?!
you took a shot and then laid down on our kitchen table and passed out.. then when we tried to move you to the couch you screamed "no! i love tables"
just drove past - why are you walking towards the shop in your pyjamas?
Can't talk, on a quest for bacon.
So I fell alseep while I was motorboating that girl last night infront of the entire party.
Randomize
