it's a little hard to watch the basketball games with my family considering they keep cheering for the guy that i had a one night stand with...
why did your cousin post "out tonight" on facebook? doesn't he know it's only 1 in the afternoon?
shhh don't tell him. it's cloudy out and none of his clocks work
He offered to take me out to a nice dinner but I told him I would rather he just pay for my beer this weekend
no dont talk to me..because of you my bar tab was more expensive than my hospital bill
perfect. if all else fails remind him how anxious he is. talk real fast and induce a panic attack that only I can remedy with xanax.
Tell me about it I woke up on your couch with only my underwear on and a 26 year old wrapped around me. I thought my thirties would be different.
If there was a build-a-penis, I would build that penis.
My pants are like a grocery bag containing ONLY jelly beans right now.
im trying to look as sober as possible but i just poured orange juice and mayo into my milkshake.
He called me khaleesi while I rode his dick. He wins
So I just got motorboated by my grandma…
I can't believe my vagina just got wished happy new year
Hey the moment you step into my house, find me IMMEDIATELY so we can pinky promise on not roping anyone at the party into yet another threesome
You were staring right at you dick at the urinals, then looked at all the other guys dicks and fist pumped saying "I win!"
Should I put the spider I likely swallowed in my sleep into my calorie tracker?
Randomize
