Imagine two people making love on top of a unicorn . . . my life is the opposite of that.
thats the only time ive ever had sloppy firsts
Aunt Jean just announced that her pubic hair is getting thicker as her head hair gets thinner. As a family we are just not a people of mystery.
Puked on a Tom Jones impersonator on the strip
You make shower sex sound like waterboarding
I am getting my wife a tattoo just above her butthole that says, "For entry just add tequila."
my six pack is really starting to show since I started fucking everything that moves
New development. Drinking at work is so easy and awesome I might have to do it everyday.
How bad is the voicemail?
You graded my boobs.... C minus. Asshole.
We left the knife in your bed.
I would really just like to get laid somewhere that's not on a bathroom floor at this point in my life
I really hope you didn't eat the bowl of melted vanilla ice cream I left on the coffee table. Because it is not melted vanilla ice cream.
Just sucked some sandy dick on a boardwalk & now I'm at a family reunion hbu
How'd your Tinder date go?
Well, I met his girlfriend...
We found him. He just came running out of the closet with a bruise on his face saying he has been fighting elves in Narnia for a year.
Randomize
