she was left over bi-product, like the hotdog of the human race
I think dad's getting high again. His last google search was "awesome ping pong shit."
ew. I made a sandwich, and the cheese reminded me of her vagina
How do I recover from singing "your body is a wonderland" on his voicemail?
I was so hungover that I had to stop in the middle of the game and throw up. The fans cheered.
masturbating while the coffee brews is the new power nap
You showed up at my apartment after 3 am wasted with a plate of cookies and tried to hook up.
Sorry about that. Except for the cookies.
On another note, convinced a 9 year old my hickey was actually a zombie bite.
She's in the hospital because she tried to steal a toilet seat from an outhouse and fell off the bank. We're gonna hang the toilet seat by the pool.
Can I write your parents a thank-you note for your huge dick?
On the shuttle bus from the Casino the driver refused to take us to the strip club so you said "let me off this bus or ill puke on you".
The fact that you got a stranger guy to buy you a pizza off tinder makes me feel amazing
Am I getting cock blocked by karaoke? That's a first.
I'm a girl who met my last three bfs in gay clubs. Think I'm doing something wrong?
I've made a new rule for socializing in the winter: if it doesn't involve me orgasming or getting drunk I can't make it
Randomize
