how do i say, "my ex is going to be at this party so don't look like shit" without sounding like a bitch?
cum and cheesecake for breakfast...don't fucking tell me pride week isn't awesome
You know, I had the money for a pregnancy test, but at the time, tacos were more important.
I will call him whatever I please, including flaccid dick on forehead guy but not limited to watermelon cunt head.
Guess the answer to the last 2 texts right and you'll get a boob shot tonight. Guess wrong and it will be a picture of a used, boogery kleenex.
Riding the train home at 6 am for class still drunk is losing its novelty in my junior year
Its not that it wasnt fun. Its just I got a tooth knocked out and that was my second time being arrested this year
The cops wrote boobs in the police report. ...vandalism is our calling
Hey I'm coming to get my gin do you want a good luck blowjob for your exam tmrw
If you don't sing 'dust in the wind' at my funeral, I'll haunt you forever
you kept shouting 'jesus penis' when i was on the phone with 911
I frew up on some kids lovely sidealk chald drawings..
Because of you I'm damaged goods. I'm a fucking soup can and you dropped me.
We got cut off at the bar, but it's okay because I tactically rolled behind the bar and grabbed a bottle of whiskey. Meet me in the back booth when you're done puking in the bathroom. This is about to get real slutty.
It's less than a hour into 2020 and I already want to punch some people in the face
Randomize
