you looked at me, pointed to a car and silently said "the elephant parks here".
Yo send me the pic of me stickn my dick in the paint bucket last night
Cuz last time you told me I was going to be shocked about something you got a hand job from a stripper in canada
If she doesn't judge me for bringing my vibrator in the tanning bed, I know she is a true friend.
Wondering when "babysitting" formed into "sleeping on the couch for five hours nursing a hangover and giving the kids Nyquil."
Do you have any idea how hard it is to hit on your nurse while getting an HIV test.
Dont make this weird.... I was wondering if I could paper mache a few of your dildos this weekend?
He went 'unicorn hunting' and lost a fight with a fence. That's how he ended up in the ER.
You want to complain about your sex life to me? Right now mine consists of trying to masturbate lightly enough not to wake her up with bed shakes. Go. Fuck. Yourself.
Dude if i sent you a picture of the inside of my fridge would you be able to break down and explain everything that was in it?
VOOOODKA VOOODKA WE PLEDGE OUR LOVE TO THEEEE VODKAAAA VODKAAAA SAVIOR OF LIBERTYYYY
Started my day with puking in a trash can.... Its gonna be a beautiful day
almost just sent your mom a dick pic. almost.
Omg i got really stoned and used a makeup app on my grandma...well, I’m definitely not adopted
There is an episode of "how it's made" on tv right now. The subject is tequila and water beds. Basically my life.
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