if i get the "i'm engaged" text one more time, i'm going to shoot myself in the face so my cats won't eat it when i die alone.
normally i'm against accepting campers on facebook but this one saw me giving head to another counselor and didn't say shit about it to my boss so i feel like shes earned the right to look at my sloppy drunk pictures
In order of importance: Where am I? Where's my car? Where are my clothes? Who is this chick in the room?
Anne's couch, the bar, your car, Anne.
Just made a drunk dude do 20 push-ups. In the parking lot of the bar tonight for a keystone light I found in the back of my truck.
Oh yum
I'm sorry but if you can't drink a bottle of wine without a glass, I do not think we can be friends.
After that song played in the club all he kept drunkenly saying was "Birdman goes brrrrrr"
He held the kayak still so I wouldn't tip over while projectile vomiting. If that ain't true love, I don't know what is...
My vagina was just really confused why you weren't inside it
By the way, just opened the browser on my phone for the first time today... And it was it the "images" section of "who invented ass fucking"
So thanks for that
It's kind of awesome I can smoke with my parents and tell them about thetime we used listerine in that bong
Cleaning my room at 2am, in just one corner I found six beers, half a pint of whiskey, my flask, 2 shotgun bullets, my crown and shimmer lotion.
When the dude you brought home from the bar on Thanksgiving leaves before you wake up ... #thankful
She just took all of the blankets in the house and threw them in the yard, because 'the grass was cold'..
Our sex is like an episode of "The Simpsons." Picture Homer choking Bart, and that's pretty much what we're into.
I've seen too many naked penises for this to be a normal Monday morning
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