I think I just broke my ankle. I've only had one beer. I'm getting drunk before I go to the ER so it's less embarassing.
protesters in toronto definately have the best pot
she said and I quote "NO SOUP FOR YOU!!!" and closed her legs.
We sold so many girl scout cookies when we were little. What went wrong?
Aaaaand that would be the most of my hand I've ever fit into a vagina before.
cheese fries, coffee, with a side of dry heaving in the bathroom at the diner on campus at 5am. never felt better.
I just came so hard there were tears. Actual tears.
For future reference "bring our litter sisters on our date day" is not such a good idea
Will you judge me if i do shots in my basement closet first? No? Okay good
Some lady just walked up to me in the bar and proclaimed that I looked like a "shady motherfucker." Can't argue with that one.
Is it inappropriate to send a happy 3-year anniversary of having a threesome with you and your ex girlfriend on easter text?
I just want to be like i dont know you but ive seen your penis & i like it
you were grinding on the cop whispering for him to lend you his tazer.
I’m inviting a few of my favorite manwhores to a pool party. Bring booze and wear your banana hammock so Amy can see what I’m always talking about
Are you coming over for scrambled eggs and hand jobs?
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