My boss' voice literally gives me gas
My bra smells like weed because there's weed in my bra
I'm trying real hard to keep it on the DL how drunk I am at lunch with my grandma.
Apparently 'she used to sleep with my brother' is not an acceptable answer to how do you know each other.
at last call she tried to get the bartender to fill her flask. when he refused, i had to stop her from trying to pour the rest of her beer in there.
do not give him the "i just had sex cake" i repeat DO NOT give him the cake. things didn't go well
She's just so happy...and so naked.
Have you ever noticed that the cities in car commercials look really futuristic?
...did you eat that brownie?
The water at the venue tasted HORRIBLE so I just kept drinking booze. It was like the medievals.
Ohh man. That was a snatch-waxer with a score to settle.
I asked him if he wanted a pillow, and he replied "No. Batman never had pillows."
Any chance I can buy my dignity back with $45?
after attempting to eat a candy cane bigger than my hand i have determined there's no way to eat this that doesn't seem erotic
He facetimed with his son when he was still inside of me. If that's not a dedicated dad I don't know what is
This girl was in the river screaming that someone didn't love her anymore...that's when the guy in a kilt claimed her...
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