my mom just walked in on me furiously masturbating while reading twilight. needless to say, im officially out of the closet.
she was on her period so I asked if she wanted to make ass babies
I've decided to turn your sobriety into a reason for me to be able to drink more.
Come help me clean. I know we won't be getting our security deposit back...but I would like to move out with our dignity.
Holy mother of cocks. I was grind-with-my-boss drunk last night.
Just come here and visit. Enjoy the deliciousness of me being legal. Just don't think, and come here right meow. meow meow meow.
stuck in a tree...bring a ladder. also my arm might be broken. no questions are allowed.
a pizza costume came into my possession last night. needless to say i showed up to his house wearing only the pizza, shouting "delivery" into his window.
someone wrote my own number down on my hand and then call me.
How early is too early to study with margaritas?
You don't understand. On her lunch break she sits on the roof, stares into the sky, and chain smokes. I can't get on her level. She is made up of java monsters with whiskey and a voice that sounds like sex.
You need to stop crushing on your boss or fuck her.
Let's stay in this weekend and play drinking games to the Winter Olympics.
As long as we can drink anytime we see a stray dog, mafia looking Russian or double toilet.
Yes. Life would be much easier if we had penises & could do whatever the fuck we want.
Well you got kicked off a stripper pole. They said girls only.
i didnt realize that your first thought would be SEXUALIZING BREAD
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