You realize if you die tommorow, the last memory i'll ever have of you is your ballsack on skype
Okay I woke up in my room, snuggie on, had a water bottle in my hand my tv was on Disney channel and my cigarettes are gone. And I deleted every text in my phone but one that said 'you are absolutely welcome'
I mean... It's a win/win situation. I mentor the kid for an hour and then I get to fuck his mom. I know deep down I'm helping them both
He sent me a picture of his dick with a cowboy hat on it.
I don't know what kind of soup they made, but it smells like condoms.
The woman in the hospital bed next to me just got diagnosed with flea bites on her vag.
Whaaaaaat? No way.
Now a discussion of pigs vs. dog as carrier.
Stop giving guys blow jobs because you're no good and it's messing up my sex life. Word gets around & then they think it's me and don't believe me when I say I have a twin. Learn to stuck dick right.
THEY NOW HAVE MIXED DRINK EMOJIS! LIFE IS GOOD! PRINCESSES DON'T DRINK BEER
Hey mom, soo do we have a family lawyer or am I on my own for that?
In the wise words of Scar: "be prepared."
Do you think Scar was a Boy Scout?
His name sounds so important....sounds like the name of my future baby daddy to me.
Remember that time you gave me a fat lip with your vag? We should do that again!
I just realized I'm currently not eating carbs, drinking alcohol or having sex. 2014 is off to a horrible start.
I woke up and found that i was using my computer as a pillow. i had 53 pages of random letters on Microsoft word
I wanted to make my beer stronger so I poured vodka in it. Why god....why
Randomize
