i just remembered that i beat off next to you while we were naked and passed out next to each other after last night... No Homo
whatcha mean you cant get rid of genital warts? thats not what my girlfriend says
We just spray painted his balls while he is passed out....I cant wait to see him try to figure this out in the morning.
Found a phone last night. Hope "daddy" gets picture messages
What is the protocol for an "i'm sorry I had my ex retrieve me from the bar so I didn't drive drunk" blow job
the welcome home hickey he left on my boob is really gunna put a damper on the rest of my thanksgiving hook up plans with the rest of my ex's
I don't have any money, so I'm just gonna press my boobs against him for his birthday.
WE SHOULD MAKE A WORKOUT ROUTINE CALLED BARCARDIO
I want to show up to tomorrow's study group looking like I got hit by a train. A train made of dicks.
I never thought I would be saying these words but...when did David Spade get hot?
Well, you were never considered a shining example of sobriety anyway
Like I could say no to two hot people already naked and fucking. Please. I'm not made of stone.
Twice?!
Can you masturbate to someone liking your instagram picture?
I woke up at 5am on my couch, naked, with a cereal bowl of water next to me. Apprently, drunk me thought I was a kitten last night. Super impressed I slept next to the bowl all night and didn't spill a drop.
shes rolling around in the floor yelling my vagina hates me
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