i was so drunk he made me beileve the song was called "thanksgiving sex."
i was in the bathroom puking my brains out, a girl walked in and said "i just came to do the same thing" so i told her i would move over and share the toilet. its better than being alone.
There's a paramedic out here, what have you done?
Using 'equal to a modern day cock block" in term paper, inappropriate
I'm drunk at McDonald's in a fairy costume at 10 am nearly two weeks after Halloween. I don't think the Ohio State fans get it.
I just faked an interview like I fake a fucking orgasm. Wonder if these candidates can tell I'm a tired and hungover recruiter?
Does taking an old homeless guy to the strip club, buying him lap dances, and calling him pops all night count as a good deed???
candyland with pharmaceuticals ... what could go wrong
Girl I love you like I've been drinking all day
Nothing says "forever alone" like receiving a friendship bracelet from your parents.
For starters i called the cops on myself for trying to destroy the ladys decorations
Im eating leftover Easter ham in a bubble bath. What has my life come to?
I may have dislocated my hip getting fucked on the bathroom counter
So here I am, sexting at work.
Nobody on Tinder wants to give you a Blumpkin.
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