Someone took a freaking dump on a roll of toilet paper. Next to the toilet. No shit in the toilet. Just on the roll of toilet paper.
If he doesn't notice me by the next party, i'm just gonna go up to him and pll his pants down and blow him.
Sounds like a plan.
Ive had to apologize to every girl i know today because of you
There is something about weddings and lines being done off my ass
On my way back to his place to see his "art". Why am I sure this is going to be nothing more than his dick in a box?
Um. That's my cat Laura. You put my cat in your mouth, and then you put my cat in your purse.
He asked me "did you used to go to church" while we were having sex.
On the oral sex Super Bowl board I drew 7 and 1. If I get lucky, someone will be swallowing during Madonna's half time. I'm sure she'd approve.
You didn't say, "No." And you stole more than half of my Snickers. You owed me that dick.
Pizza and koolaid didn't even make me feel better. This hangover means business
He's taking me to Tao. This is going to be so weird. How do you go on a first date with a guy that has seen you naked more times than clothed?
You can't Tinder AND have him bring you icecream in the same night. It messes with your vagina.
I'm determined to sit on that face.
Dude, who WASN'T thinking of motorboating her?
Also this morning I remembered seeing the stripper he threw up on later in the night. She was clothed though.
Randomize
