Going to spend my cab money on more shots and just take the ambulance home
I just used my med student white coat as ID to buy beer at 9 in the morning
I cant feel my face. Like I dont even know if I have one. I wish I had a helmet
He's drinking 50/50 vodka/water out of a camelback. Disaster would be a compliment at this point.
He's gotta be able to drive a truck, make me mac n cheese and give me the best orgasms. That's my perfect man
you said I shouldn't try to fill the void in my meaningless life with dicks but i am trying and it totally works
I probably won't go. Last time I got drunk with those guys I just started demanding people let me touch their beards.Then I mocked everyone who didn't have facial hair.
Is there like a dick file on me? Guys can't hold two dicks anymore?! Who are you people????
The fact that you got a stranger guy to buy you a pizza off tinder makes me feel amazing
Also, for real, though? Did we even have sex or were we just jumping on the bed drunk and naked...because with me that's actually a possibility.
Spencer just told me I got home and was opening beers with my teeth and trying to make pot butter
It's only 3 AM. There's still time to get arrested today.
i ordered what the bartender said was called a pink cock, and kept saying it tastes like a disney princess. thats how my 21st bday went
The problem with adderall is that no matter what I'm doing, I feel like it was the most productive thing I've EVER done.
Did you alphabetize our spice cupboard again?
...You'll thank me later.
The blonde cop looked at my license and told me I better have be home when her shift ends
I hate you
Randomize
