First night home from college and I already forgot that walking around nearly naked with my laptop open to smut porn isn't acceptable. Sorry, mom.
Shes from jersey what did you expect her to say when you asked her if she did coke? Its like asking some1 from a third world country if they are hungry
I tried to cut him off and he said "I was the president of a fraternity for 3 years, I could outdrink God."
Tell your boss that he's keeping you from eating a fuck sundae off of these 36-24-36 34 D's waiting for you at home on Valentine's Day.
just found a bag of Oreos in my purse labeled "emergency".
She tried to sit inside the drawer to my dresser and when it broke, she burst into tears calling herself fat. Too high to deal with this
Is it bad that all my wine bottles have teeth marks in the cork?
Threw up on the baby. National Tequila Day is the eve of National I'm A Horrible Nanny Day.
I got blood in my smoothie but it still tastes ok. Fuck glenfiddich.
I can measure my amount of vomit in solo cups.
The lady at walmart just said she is so happy im still alive....Was i that drunk on the 4th? Dont answer that
Never let a one night stand shower at your place. My razor, lotion, and brush disappeared. #girlcode
At one point I yelled "THIS IS MY PENANCE FOR EVERYTHING I'VE DONE WRONG" and started saying Hail Marys
40 year old guy made out with me last night while I had French fries in my mouth
The amount of guys I've turned down for you is disgusting... You better love me.
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