Theres puke in my trash can and spilled beer next to my bed... come get your girlfriend
I have way too many pictures of poop on my phone
It just hit me that i made out with someone's mom last night
My last google search was "mavis beacon techs tping" Thank god google auto corrects bc otherwise i wouldn't know that i drunk-type 13 words a minute.
I would explain the ketchup stains in the bed to him but saying I just got my period is so much less embarrassing...
Is that you who's passed out on my treadmill?
I cant shower it involves moving...
Just lay there and turn the water on. At least rinse off the shame.
I'm at some strange place in what feels like Mexico, high and getting tacos.
There is a mobile STD testing unit set up at my place of employment. In the lunchroom. I may need to reevaluate my career choices. And my lunch plans.
He was just lying on the living room floor watching Star Wars with six empty pack of cigarettes and two empty cases of beer.
In his defence I guess I did take the bed, couch and dining room set in the breakup.
I told my mom I'm great in bed. That is quality mother daughter bonding.
What should've been a 10 minute beer run turned into her having a 40 minute mental breakdown in my car while in the parking lot. She then asked if she could live at my house and be my girlfriend. Her finishing act was stealing my peanut m&m's.
Well, when a girl introduces herself as "stormy" and gets your number from her boyfriends phone, I'd say that your situation is to be expected.
I'm glad we smoked together,that was probs the biggest sibling bonding we will ever have.
so i showed up to the bars in a sombrero and a tie as a headband... so yeah, they didn't let me in
Your drunk self managed to not pee on anyone's bed
Go me
I'm actually proud
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