mom just said that her bf is good in bed. fml.
i am watching a movie about a vagina with teeth and then you sent that to me while im eating sushi.
Tell her she can't have a vagina
got in a fight at the bar because some dude thought i was being sarcastic when i told him "sweet mustache". it really was a sweet mustache
my shit smells like andre
My cha cha got a haircut
thank god. going down on you was like chewing on astroturf
you thought your balls were fighting each other...
I awoke in a cab to find myself on a ride to niagara falls. Apparently I paid the cab driver half up front.
Yes perhaps we are both wrong. And did you call me bj girl?
Evidently I told a girl she should leave the bar because no one wanted to fuck her.
Screw them and thier engaged asses. I've got liquor to drink and boys I don't know to make out with.
Apparently it is frowned upon to ask the bouncer to stop pointing his flashlight in your face and step back so you can puke....and then do it
I'm your Election Erection Connection
I retroactively revoke all sex we've ever had.
I am in an eBay bidding war over a build a bear one direction tshirt, this is who you choose to bone
I woke up naked wrapped in a wolf blanket on the bathroom floor
Someone just needs to roll me into a blanket burrito and feed me drugs
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