The midget we rented got so drunk last night he got carted off in an ambulance
The little penguins are speaking with a hispanic accent. I dont know how to feel about it. Geographically speaking, this cant be possibly. This isnt cool.
He came in asked for the bathroom and came out 10 minutes later dripping wet took his redbull and left.
you made them have somersault races with you thru the lobby..
I think I may have appendicitis, but the house is like two blocks from the hospital so I'm just gonna go and drink anyway.
When I tell my children how I survived hurricane Sandy I'll probably leave out the threesome
It's like the blind leading the senile over here.
UPDATE: shit just got real- grandma is threatening to beat grandpa with a wooden spoon covered in chili.
I am not betting on the failure of any friend that is not you.
Send me a pic of your kids to remind me why I have morals.
Sooooooo Your wife and your girlfriend are making cat noises at one another via text
I'm sorry I didn't get you anything for your birthday
It's just you didn't get me the fucking bear suit last year
I've had more sex since the twins moved in than I'd had in the previous four years. They are the best wingman ever.
As a gift to myself for being so awesome at being single, I'm going to buy a vibrator
I'm the only person I know that carries solo cups, shot glasses, ping pong balls, two decks of cards, and a lawn chair in his trunk. I'm ready to turn anything, anywhere into a party.
Here's a rundown of my night alone. Danced my ass off in the kitchen to FleetmacWood. Drank a little bit. Ordered $40 worth of Chinese food once the drinks kicked in. Picked up said Chinese in dirty sweatpants and slippers. #livinglife
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