call of duty 2 was the straight man's twilight
theyre doing DJ Khaled impressions again...
I'm telling you the guy came in bought a box of condoms and all three of the chicks that came in behind him followed him to his car. I want his life
She's the barista slut.
Please tell me you're throwing the cats into this foot of snow.
I just spent the last 30 mins playing uplifting songs to my uterus, & there's no way I'm pregnant.
the only good thing about breaking up with him while naked was that i got to make a forgetting sarah marshall reference
im destined to be single forever. i hope its okay if your kids come and hang out with my cats.
Why do i feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear?
You carried me up the stairs after I told you not to. And what did you tell me? "Let me test my strengths."
So the contents found in my winter coats this year: coat 1, condom and 10$. Coat 2, condom and 75$ check. Coat 3, 2.05$ and a sunflower seed.
Obviously coat 3 had the best time since you used the condom and all of the money
Just saw a midget on an elliptical. Epic.
She dressed up in a sexy maid outfit for me, but she got mad when I asked her to actually do some cleaning.
I HAD TO PAY A COVER FOR THE FIRST TIME LAST NIGHT. My tits didn't get me in and I was so pissed.
He passed out in my car.
What's the problem?
HE'S STILL IN MY FUCKING CAR.
Randomize
