New low. Found an ant nibbling on my last xanax. Flicked it away and popped it in my mouth anyways.
hey, we don't wanna leave the house because we're watching fireworks on tv. this is america.
There's an amish chick decked out in amish clothes on a cell phone staring at me.
She offered to make me a fruit roll up salad for breakfast...I'm not sure if that's the coolest or weirdest thing ever...
Nicole wore just a belt and her pedometer and hopped on top of me last night. She "walked" 822 steps before we finished.
New charity walk idea!
mom and dad sent me an easter basket full of beer pong supplies again.
I miss the days when all my weekends consisted of were 69 and crunchwraps
when are you leaving homes?
it's 7:51. why the fuck are you awake at 7:51
I had a sex dream about Oprah.
go back to sleep
dude. it was a sex dream. about. Oprah.
You'd be proud! I didn't lose my id this time... It got confiscated
My usual answer of have sex with it doesn't work in this situation
it's too much effort for something that isn't food.
Also, I don't know if it's the drugs I'm on or not, but I truly believe I was hypnotized last night listening to an audio book.
My cousin was arrested on a class b felony for selling meth out of the back door of McDonald's where he worked. Apparently it was the extra special sauce.
It was a career choice to be sure... Mistakes were made.
So my step mom just informed me she tells stories about me at work as a form of birth control for the girls that work there, not sure if i should be offended or proud.
Breakfast sounds amazing but can we do IHOP instead? I have to pick up a Plan B pill and there’s a CVS next to it
Randomize
