The smiley face on that pregnancy test is so damn taunting. It's like it's laughing at me for my poor choices.
Maybe she got knocked up by accident. I still refuse to believe that anyone actually INTENTIONALLY gets pregnant.
if you want blown tonight you're gonna have to take me up on that offer now. in less then 45 minutes you're gonna be blacked out and i'm not doing something i'm not getting credit for in the morning.
The slutty girl scout law, revised for halloween 10: on my honor i will try, to serve my vagina and my shot glass. To hold back friends hair at all voming moments and to live by the sluttly girl scout law.
Two things. 1 - I want to apologize for my drunkeness last night. 2 - I want to pre-apologize for my anticipated drunkeness tonight.
The last party at your house was a sex toy party...it's an obvious transition to baby shower
I fcuked ip.
Is this your way of telling me that you got drunk in your office before meeting with your dissertation advisor again? Or that you finally banged that freshman fraternity pledge?
Is "sorry I booted you out mid-fuck last night" a good icebreaker?
We're having Wednesday-night goat-night at the bar.
It's hard to explain...
I'm not snubbing your weed I just had a really important rack of ribs to get home to
Ran up to the dollar store to get batteries for my vibrator. Happy Valentines Day!
So what's it like to be pregnant?
It feels like I'm hungover and when I was drunk I was kicked off a mechanical bull and then trampled.
You were yelling at a tree saying it should be in the forest..
Don't judge me.
to be fair i didnt know she wanted to sleep with me
WHY THE FUCK ELSE WOULD SHE DRAG A STRAIGT MAN INTO A VICTORIA'S SECRET CHANGEROOM GODDAMMIT
If that pentatonix bullshit is playing when I get home we're breaking up
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