is it sad that pink shorts and cowboy hats remind me of getting jizz in the hair?
I could write a book called "things that come out of my vagina"
Just heard a guy discussing with someone else the amazing blow job you gave him. I’m in New York. Over 2 hours away from where you live. I have never been more proud.
the jail released me with 39 mardi gras beads. I need details.
i think i got so emotional from a mix of getting my period and slapping the bag like five times
Apparently I kept telling the bartender that I was going to set the Guinness World Record.
2pm: Breaking news alert: I think I'm finally sober. Oh, and that place needs hotter strippers.
test run with donkey pinata disastrous. broken glass and tequila EVERYWHERE
He just referred to his foreskin as a snuggie. Help.
Okay hun. Well my neighbors haven't called the cops yet so I think we're good. No more burning in the yard.
I was peeing in the bathroom at this house party when a guy just casually stumbles out of the shower
I'm dipping store brand pepperoni pizza in bacon flavored ranch dressing. Obesity tastes so good.
I told you being able to play expert on guitar hero would get us laid one day
You 2012 self promised me that you would do LSD with me, and it's 2015 now. So.
Plus, I'm basically a doctor, so what could go wrong.
You wanna know what I want to eat? Questionable Mexican food before I go drink. Makes for excitement. Will I puke it up or shit my pants
Randomize
