I'm not high anymore, I decide when it's done.
His sex texting was like a step by step guide to the most boring sex ever...
i woke up to find out i shared my bed with a full, open can of natty light last night and didnt spill it. then i drank it for breakfast.
You ordered a "mcblizzard" and yelled @ the worker for false advertisement because she didn't flip your "mcblizzard" upsidedown. You wanted it free. I'd say mcdonalds daytime workers need to be trained in dealing with daytime drunks too. She didn't know what to do.
do you know what somber means? it's kinda the opposite of a kegstand
I really need to get laid. I'm telling at least 10 girls that I love them tonight.
Odds are at least 1 out of those 10 girls will be as crazy as you and will be into it.
He legit pounded my cooking wine, because he was to cheap to buy beer. He is so not getting any.
it was either a cry for help or you were gargling vodka. we didnt care either way.
AND BY FEELINGS I MEAN VODKA
I asked him if we could hang out sometime when we weren't hammered. He said he'd email me his number... that's when I knew I was going to die alone
He flipped me around so that we could have sex and both watch Die Hard... I think I found my sole mate. Merry Christmas to me!!🎄
That awkward moment when the guy you were hitting on at the bar last night is a possible suspect in a murder case.
My girl friends dad just asked how I get so drunk and then he passed out with a bloody Mary in his hand on the couch it's 230 do you know where your parents are
You need a new phone. When you talk it sounds like the teacher from Peanuts while she's trying to give a blowjob.
There was puke outside of my classroom and lecture was half empty. Damn thirsty thursday is intense
Randomize
